i do not want this
i'm losing ground
you know how this world can beat you down
i'm made of clay
i fear i'm the only one who thinks this way
i'm always falling down the same hill
bamboo puncturing this skin
and nothing comes bleeding out of me just like a waterfall i'm drowning in
2 feet below the surface i can still make out your wavy face
and if i could just reach you maybe i could leave this place
i do not want this
i do not want this
i do not want this
i do not want this
don't you tell me how i feel
don't you tell me how i feel
don't you tell me how i feel
you don't know just how i feel
i stay inside my bed
i have lived so many lives all in my head
don't tell me that you care
there really isn't anything, is there?
you would know, wouldn't you?
you extend your hand to those who suffer
to those who know what it really feels like
to those who've had a taste
like that means something
and oh so sick i am
and maybe i don't have a choice
and maybe that is all i have
and maybe this is a cry for help
i do not want this
i do not want this
i do not want this
i do not want this
don't you tell me how i feel
don't you tell me how i feel
don't you tell me how i feel
you don't know just how i feel
i want to know everything
i want to be everywhere
i want to fuck everyone in the world
i want to do something that matters
i think in some measure there's still the numbness left over from the previous song. he punctures his skin, and feels nothing. yet
he's somehow in touch with his emotions enough to know he's angry. it's like when someone completely well-meaning tells you "you'll get over it" and you
want to scream at them that they don't understand. he says "you extend your hand to those who suffer" almost sneeringly, as if to say "but you don't get
it, do you? you know they've had a taste of pain and you want to help, but how can you? you don't know what i'm feeling. you can't even conceive of it."
his plea at the end is sincere, if power-hungry. the only thing he really understands is power over others, the power he has and the power they have to
hurt him. he also repeatedly refers to sex and sexual potency throughout the album -- in mr. self destruct, in heresy when he refers to AIDS, in closer
(duh!), in ruiner, here, in big man with a gun, in eraser, in reptile... you get the idea. it's an instrument of his precious power. power is the
"something that matters" to him, because power struggles are all he sees when he looks at the world.
-alexa
